"It's the perfect solution to the doomed celebrity marriage," says Cliff Guston, CEO of Fame Solutions, Beverly Hills. "Traditionally, celebs have multi-million dollar events with a helicopter and drone service hired to flush out paparazzi hiding in the surrounding countryside. They spend more on flowers than most people do on their first homes. Yet these are the marriages least likely to make it to the first anniversary. I’m not saying it won't last, but on their honeymoon to an exclusive, luxury Bora Bora hotel one bride complained about the room, while her hubby said most people would die to be there. Then, when he playfully tossed her into the water, she burst into tears. Does this sound like compatibility to you? What we do at Fame Solutions is assume the marriage will fail, that it's doomed from the start, and so the newlyweds are more determined to beat the odds. Costs are less, too. We don't use real flowers, they're plastic. The justice of the peace moonlights as a real estate agent. There's a chapel-mausoleum for those who prefer a private ceremony, and the bridge and groom are whisked away in a hearse to the nearest Motel 6, where room service is provided by Pizza Hut. So far, we have a 100% success rate, because after you go with us, the rest of your marriage is a piece of cake. Pun intended."
In a move which may upstage both the Oscars and Grammys this time, the Nobel Prize committee this week announced two new categories of awards in dancing and musical performance. These awards will replace the annual awards given in Economics and Physics, according to Hines Hanson, Nobel committee chairperson. “We’re number one,” Hanson told a roaring crowd attending a monster truck rally in Stockholm. Projections for soft drink sponsor revenue alone for the first awards extravaganza, to be hosted by Uma Thurmann and Sir Elton John, already exceed the GNP of many Latin American countries. “If there is continued demand for it,” Hanson declared, “maybe next year we’ll drop the Literature prize too, and replace it with Hair and Makeup.” Nominated for the first Nobels are all the usual faces, plus Drake and Madonna kissing. In an ironic twist, the final Nobel Prize for Genetics is going to Dr. Carson Swalensky for his pioneering work in cloning Hollywood mega stars. And yes, there will be a reality show featuring these clones mud wrestling soon!
Across the street from the Beverly Hills Church of Scientology, a SWAT team today burst in on a gathering of the INNER CIRCLE, a secret and selective group of actors, singers, models, designers, and talk show hosts who have sworn allegiance to the cell’s God. Under interrogation, actress Calista Flockhart shared her group’s goals. “We intend to rid the world of anyone not on the hot list. If you can’t afford Fendi and Gucci, and people don’t know who you are, you’re not really alive anyway, and therefore you shouldn’t be polluting a beautiful planet which we, in fact, own. Am I right?” Sixteen canisters of Serin gas were found on the premises, along with assorted land mines, rocket launchers, Stinger missiles, and crates of poisoned Poison perfume. In addition, it was learned that God’s bodyguard–Kevin Costner–had been promised a return to the A list from the dreaded C list once he completed his mission in Wichita against “those who are not even on the Z list.” When it was suggested that God herself was now on the Z list herself, Costner first seemed stunned by the blasphemy, then whispered, “Hey, maybe there’s a place for me and Harrison in the Trinity, after all?” Raising his voice, then, Costner added, “Ally be praised!” Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment.
There is no SANITY FAIR magazine for a reason. We are obsessed with money and fame. Now join Gonzo journalist Ryback Solomon as he interviews the world’s new richest man, WFT or simply Mister T, on this, his first interview. How might you achieve such wealth? You can’t. No one can…except Howard Rosen. His story, revealed here and now for the first time, is both shocking and fascinating. And it is told to you in a manner that would make Hunter S. Thompson proud. Includes a quiz for mere millionaires and billionaires. How rich are you? How rich do you wanna be?