"If two sets of identical twins are dating and one of them has amnesia, then not only won't he know which twin he's dating, he won't know which twin he is."
"Man is a really only a grain of sand no more significant than any grain on an impossibly distant beach circling a dying red supergiant, itself destined to implode and create a particle of infinity density and zero volume. ...No, wait. That's Kanye West."
"Grey matter is like dark matter, only fifty shades lighter. Apparently a sick alien named Christian lives in this Twilight Zone, and turns on his gravity vortex whenever a shapely woman astronut drifts by. Science can't explain why Christian's victims take off their space suits, but I think it has something to do with boredom, since hubby never travels anywhere, even in his mind. In fact, right now he's parked down there on a Crazy Boy watching college basketball while eating Lays...that's a special deluxe Lazy Boy model featuring heated and refrigerated coasters, a voice activated mini bar, a retractable cheese fountain, and a defibrillator."
"Did you know CRIPS stands for "California Retirees Indulging in Paleobiological Sabermetrics"? Did you know BLOODS stands for "Bitter Lads Objectifying Oppressive Dysfunctional Society"? Wow, every day we learn something new. I wonder what LORDS means. "Lovers of Really Delicious Shortcake"? No, that's too obvious."
"Did you hear that Doritos are coming out with a larger and thicker chip? Jolt Cola will be in 24 ounce cans, too. Consume them together and you'll get twice the sugar, four times the caffeine, and eight times the salt. Then you can die before the economy does."
"You'll know you've made it when someone follows you into a restroom stall for an autograph. It's also at that moment that you'll begin envying Pauli Shore's obscurity."
"Did you know that the cosmetic industry got its start on the banks of a roaring African river when some cad we shall call Kudzelgeek placed a fistful of clay into his girlfriend's hand, and she used it to smooth out those tiny lines and wrinkles in her forehead. 'Hey, lookie here,' Zoeeee then told her best friend Wilma. 'I pretty. . .you not so much.'"
"If you've ever used the phrase 'sports god' you should know that your god is not great, especially since he's now in rehab after an incident involving an underage Nike employee, a Chia pet, and a gallon of Duck Dynasty moonshine."
"Humans are unique because they have developed extremely short attention spans. Only a hummingbird’s is shorter. This is a direct result of the advent of the 30 second TV commercial. Searching the fossil records, you will discover that prehistoric man may have taken as long as three months on a single cave drawing. Today we pride ourselves on how many subway cars we can vandalize in three minutes. Indeed, without the aid of music videos and special effects one can become bored in exactly 64 seconds. Last year it was 67 seconds. When the countdown reaches zero all of Hollywood's worst movies will finally be vindicated."
"You better be nice or you'll see a UFO. That's an 'Unidentified Frying Object.' It could be just about any hot food item, but also that electric fry pan streaking toward your head from your long-suffering wife, after you've just told her you're going to your favorite sports bar instead of cleaning the garage."
"War is a game men can't win, and yet they can't stop playing. They aren't smart about how to shop for what to wear, either. This is why the medals they pin on each other as accessories are often made of the metal Unobtainium."
"Beauty isn't just skin deep. There's volume, shape and bone structure to consider. Then there's talent and inner beauty. These will get Donald Trump to hire you, but if you don't smile when he speaks, you may start out sorting hate mail in the basement."
"Politics? It's a shell game played by blind people betting with our money."
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED FOR INFANTS LAUNCHED
A new magazine intended to hook future sports addicts earlier is now making the way into toy stores. Bundled with baby rattles and pacifiers, the new magazine features no words, only pictures of pitchers, umpires, quarterbacks, etc. Some mothers are outraged at those photos which depict chewing tobacco, beer swilling, and fat half-naked men in Lazy boys munching potato chips, but little do they know that a pilot program is in the works to subliminally broadcast ball games into the wombs of mothers who opt for ultrasound. Stay tuned. As if you had a choice.
LOVE-- This is the theoretical motivation behind “winning” for “the love of the game.” Theoretical, because without sex and money involved, sports addicts who say this have never been able to define it. The major problem with love is that because of their high divorce rates, addicts have come to realize that they can probably fall in love with just about anything and anybody. So now it has become harder to fall in love, even over a candlelight dinner. Unless, of course, they’re drunk and it's too dark to see what’s going on.
MARRIED MAN-- A homo (erotic) sapien who typically becomes overweight and moribund as time progresses. Known to lose the respect of their "insignificant other" during the various playoffs.
Birthplace: The Twin Cities? ("I can't remember.")
Real Name: A secret. (“Okay, it’s Walter Witty. ESPN has a fatwa out on me.")
Height/Weight: 6'4" 210 pounds. The second figure fluctuates, depending on how much food porn is seen.
I.Q.: Unknown. ("I'm afraid to be tested, it might go off the charts on either end, depending on whether Johnny Depp’s girlfriend is working her voodoo magic on me or not.")
Fav Foods: See food. ("Oh, and duck liver pâté. I hope to get on Cupcake Wars and win with that ingredient, then open a chain of cupcake kiosks in upscale malls so I can say things like 'before you leave...' to people just trying to walk past.")
Fav Drink: Green tea with lemon. ("If I drink anything else it's because I'm lonely, which is often since I've begun doing satire instead of knock-knock jokes. If I'm suicidal I promise that I will drink Coke or Pepsi.")
Fav Music/TV/Games: Various. ("Pretty much anything. Whenever I turn on the TV it’s like Kurtz in Heart of Darkness, 'the horror...the horror...'")
Religion: Sports Atheist. ("God exists, just not on the boob tube.")
Least Fav Sport: Cage Fighting. ("It's like dog fighting, only with human beings animated by their primitive reptiiian brain stems. Makes me wish I was an alien being from another dying planet.")
Bugaboos: Televangelists, talk radio, ("and people who use phrases like, 'to all intents and, like, purposes.'")
Fav Item of Clothing: Masks for costume parties. (“I have several designer psycho masks made for me, in case I'm attacked by other revelers dressed as ISIS fighters. Other times I wear bulletproof wigs or disguises so as not to call attention to myself. Or to do interviews about my book. Lately, though, I've become paranoid about cameras following me outside the studio, and into shopping malls. You know what they say: you're not paranoid if someone is actually targeting you for a tackle concussion.")